ID 101 - 3: My personalities

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Poor visual representation of "the Guys"

As I was beginning my analysis, I had noticed that there was a little voice in my head that would simply say “I don’t want to” and would stop me from doing anything.

I have always known about all my personalities. They are real personalities. They have dreams, hopes, aspirations. They can think on their own (is this aided by hypoconnectivity associated with ASD?). We have remarkably interesting and involved conversations and they always bring something new to the fore for me to think of. They contribute to my personal, emotional, and spiritual development. To some extent they even help me with my physical upkeep.

They are different from the other voices in my head (see Analysing the voices).  They come directly from my brain, and each reflect the stage of my life that created it.

The one thing I noticed, is that they have become parts of a larger me, facets of my overall personality. They are still independent, different, sometimes conflicting. They give me innovative ideas and interests. However, I am the one acting, thinking, and feeling.

And this is not what people call “wearing a different hat”. When we wear a different hat, let’s say professionally, or as a parent, etc., there can be conflicts. We may do something that we would prefer not to do because it is the appropriate thing to do while wearing that hat.

This is not what happens with my personalities. Conflict is resolved by consensus. We are one and we are many. I guess conceptually that’s how the Borg operate.

But this “I don’t want to” voice was something new. Firstly, it was out of character. I’m a doer. Proactive. Never have I said to myself “I don’t want to”. When I give myself choices of what to do, I always chose something.

Also, it wasn’t talking to me. It wasn’t engaging. If my other personalities tell me they don’t want to do something, we talk about it (yes, I am aware of how that sounds!). Consensus being key to the personalities’ integration, this kind of communication is essential.

Yet this voice wasn’t saying anything other than: “I don’t want to”. No explanations. No alternative choices. No dialogue.

So, who is this voice?

 

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