Auti-multiplicity

Sometimes I don’t know who l am. Has anybody experienced this? Hum, for us it’s the opposite. Sometimes we know who we are, but most often we don’t. It is curious, because we only have just over a dozen systems who have names. We do have some systems without names. We also have (potentially) many more other systems that we don’t recognise individually yet. LIke now … We (the system that is writing this) are aware of everything that we are writing, and of the other systems (we are co-con) but we don’t communicate with them. And we don’t know which system we are. We know what we know, but we don’t know what we don’t know. You will find that a lot of us identity as “me”. Many littles do, but some of us grown ups too. Who is writing this? It is “me”, this “me” here that is typing this… to us it makes sense, and it is actually easier to refer to one another this way. If you ask me who told me something, I know exactly who that “me” is, I can spot them in a crowd of however many there are … ...

Ok, I am going to give a bit of a different perspective. We are a multiplicity, and I am the one in charge of “depression”. But we don’t call it that, we call it the sadness because we find the term depression very invalidating. I am Triste (which means Sad in Italian). So, let me first dispel a myth. Depression and Anxiety (that’s Timor in our system) are often curable. Example 1: curable Let me give you an example: OMG I run out of milk for my cereals, it is raining, and Getir is not going to be here for at least 37 minutes! That situation can trigger both anxiety and depression … and it is bearable and curable. Example 2: is it curable? And the one above is a good example of why anxiety and depression are invalidating, if we think: OMG I am alive and I can’t stop breathing! The whole living/unliving thing takes a different perspective. Woah! So, it depends where the sadness and fear originated. If we are sad because of current events, and that causes us anxiety, that it likely to b...

 AI helps me understand my inner world! OK, so, my Littles have been trying to explain to me what their first protectors look like. I have always been a little reticent, admittedly. Mainly because my artistic skills are somewhat lacking … but also because I don’t know anyone that can draw for me … And I must confess I don’t understand them (the kids) in much depth (it’s more a visceral, primal connection), which I obviously try to remedy 😬 But they kept at it, of course, as kids should … so we started trying some AI. I got bored pretty quickly but they kept learning tirelessly … and as I am a kinda grandad … I smile and endured, so to speak. And we got some good results. We used anime style because it is the one the littles like the most. Ghost So, this is Ghost. The very first protector for our babies and toddlers And of course, they’re great with kids of all ages … Apparently, Ghost used to take the kids on long dissociative journeys to wondrous lands … Something similar to chil...

We have been going through a period of intense instability, and that is why we want to validate the efforts of some of our members. Memories have been flooding in for some of our youngest. We found quite a few “new” littles and middles, and have been trying to keep a semblance of normality while dealing with the internal turmoil. Everybody has been soldiering on, so to speak, despite the difficulties, and that alone is a reason to be proud of each and everyone. One of our members, however, had more difficulties than the others. They are a teen, and they are one of our major trauma holders. They come in many versions from a few months old to around 15 year old. Most the the new littles we found were young “copies” of them, all with just fragments of memories. This was understandably difficult. Those memories were … very painful on many levels … not just the factual memories, but the associated kinesthetic and emotional reminders were making denial of those events impossible. Yet, they s...

  Intense week TW______________________ Losing a host - - - - - - - - - As is customary when we write, anybody in the system who wants to contribute is blended in, providing an interestingly balanced mix of views and perspectives. It has been a rollercoaster, we have had some very negative experiences, but these were interspersed with wonderfully fulfilling ones. As always, inner life is easier than anything that happens IRL. I’ll start with the biggest bad news of the week as it has had a considerable impact. This week, our last host “disappeared”. We called him #7 because we believe he was the 7th reincarnation of that specific host. We noticed that when we carry out a specific task, the host always ends up “breaking” and being replaced. This happened again on Monday after he did what he had to do. For us, the death of a host is devastating. Our inner world is quite limited. Therefore, the host is usually the one with the closest relationship to all the member of our inner fam....

From personal experience, adult trauma can be overcome. It is possible to heal. In my case, I don’t know if it is because I had prior experience, so to speak, but I have been able to recover from stuff that happened in adulthood when given the chance. I guess we are talking about primary dissociation. Overall, when having the opportunity to talk about and process events and fallout, it is possible to put it all behind. Even when repeated over time (in my experience periods of up to 3 years of daily repetition of trauma) can be overcome when one dedicates appropriate time and effort to healing. Childhood trauma however stays. I guess that is what is called chronic. One may have periods of remission, sometimes lasting even long spells. Even decades. But there are relapses. That is simply the brain develops and works differently. This is what I learnt by living with my brain for a long-ish amount of time: Certainly when one experiences childhood trauma they will be more likely to develop ...

This is a tricky one for us. There is an ambivalence, a conflict of interests, so to speak. Let me explain. Sometimes I agree with the experts, some others I vehemently don’t … however DDs come on such a high spectrum that I do not discount anything. Likely, everything is possible and valid. Also, my answer revolves around my current knowledge. I might change my mind on some details as I become more knowledgeable. But so, let’s get down to it. Memories are what gives us and hold together our identity. In fact, each memory holds a slice of our identity. A memory is not simply an anecdotal reference. It contains important information relating a person state of mind, way of thinking, feeling, perspective, and much more. And that is why the most basic dissociative defence is to break down the memories into harmless chunks (dissociative amnesia). I think this is what is meant when people talk about a “fragments”. Certainly that is the case for me. In fact, before the age of 3, and possibly ...

I have so many instances … At the moment I am focusing on my child selves and parts. They are at a stage where they know that times are different. They know that the inner world is safe, and they know that they are loved and accepted. Also, they know that they are now allowed to be children. No need to worry about IRL, no fear, no need to protect. They are free. I have aphantasia, so I don’t have an inner world. We do have a campfire-type-thingy, but there is no fire, just the camp in the darkness. It doesn’t look like much, but it feels like home. There’s lots of love in this corner of my mind. Here my parts gather when they want to share anything. Sadness, joy, fears, hopes, desires, and anything else. When someone is sad, or upset in any way, someone else will usually spend time with them. Often in complete silence. Just sharing the feeling. So, it can be difficult to understand who is who, other than by “sensing” and empathy, at least at first. Some can get quite chatty eventually...

  What can you tell non-depressed people about people with depression? One of my selves writing about depression. I wish they stopped calling it depression. Depression is what people get when they run out of beer and the local shop is closed. Making coffee with the last drop of milk, and then pour the coffee on the cereals … that causes depression. Depression is when you missed the train to work and you have to wait 2 minutes for the next one. Oh my favourite team lost a match … I’m so depressed. Life is so depressing … password sharing on Netflix is not possible anymore … I wish people understood that what they call “depression” is actually more likely to be comparable to desolation, resignation, psychospiritual existential emptiness. Nihilistic stoicism. Hope for the best in the knowledge that realistically we can only expect the worst. An awareness that no matter how hard we work to attain moments of joys, they are in reality much more fleeting than one would desire. They say th...

Have you ever had good communication, lost it, and then got it back? What are your favourite tips/tricks for internal communication? Communication in my opinion, is especially ephemeral. It is one of its principal properties. Whether internally or externally. Therefore, good communication is a fully reciprocal iterative process of expression and explanation. Where one first expresses their opinion then explains what they mean. Although this model does not prevent misunderstandings, when properly implemented it can resolve them. “What do you mean ?” And “ What I mean is” are commonplace Q&As in appropriately inquisitive interactions. For example, I’ve known of my little one for a couple of years. Communication has been consistent and emotionally intense. A few flashbacks have been shared. We got really close. I knew I was missing something, but just kept at it. Sometimes communication was wonderful. Not verbal, but it was certainly about bonding, spending time together. ...

Has anyone else here gone through coercive control/ coercive persuasion abuse? We feel as though we have no true self anymore like just a hollow shell and no true knowledge of who we really were if we ever were whole at all I totally relate. We have been trying to answer this for a few days and are finding it quite difficult and very triggering. But, despite the difficulties we wanted to answer this question. We believe that if we can help others manage their struggles by sharing ours, then our own were useful and worthwhile. Who am I (singular self) With regards to your question, we have different perspectives depending on who you ask. We will have to be a little philosophical in the answer we give. Littles and middles get flashbacks. Identity is not a concern, I guess they’re too young for that, but memories are always extremely challenging. They took the brunt of the coercion and manipulation. ABA was only a small apparent fraction of the reality that was happening behind closed doo...

  I ACCEPT MYSELF So, ME VS the world. It’s time for acceptance. I tried to do their way; it didn’t work. It broke me. OK, I’m weird. I’m different. Nobody understands me. Nobody accepts me. I ACCEPT MYSELF! I consider myself to be a good person. Maybe not a nice person. I can be a little abrupt. But I am a good person. Everything I do with people is motivated by Love. I help, support, and give my heart, mind, body, and soul to see them thrive. I have never done anything out of spite. I sometimes planned to, and wanted to, but never actually went through with it. There is nothing wrong with me! I ACCEPT MYSELF! I LOVE MYSELF!