Auti-multiplicity

  I ACCEPT MYSELF So, ME VS the world. It’s time for acceptance. I tried to do their way; it didn’t work. It broke me. OK, I’m weird. I’m different. Nobody understands me. Nobody accepts me. I ACCEPT MYSELF! I consider myself to be a good person. Maybe not a nice person. I can be a little abrupt. But I am a good person. Everything I do with people is motivated by Love. I help, support, and give my heart, mind, body, and soul to see them thrive. I have never done anything out of spite. I sometimes planned to, and wanted to, but never actually went through with it. There is nothing wrong with me! I ACCEPT MYSELF! I LOVE MYSELF!

The final decision has been made. I am a crazy person. I have "split personality". But that is such a cool thing. That epitomises survival. Because not only I created multiple personalities, I am also aware of it. And they are going to be together again!!! Ok, every now and then I have to remind myself that it’s ok to be me. I shouldn’t be ashamed of my past. The problem is that I am. Shame figured very prominently throughout my childhood and youth. It was one of many tools in the hands of my “family”. The looks on people faces when I was being publicly and mercilessly castigated for the sin of being alive were hurtful. And that is the reason why I cannot go back to Italy or deal with people who knew me then. So, this process I am going through is painful. It’s not just the memory. It’s the living through it again. It’s the emotions that it stirs in him, as well as me. But so, now that the analysis is complete, is just a matter of recounting how our re-union progresses.   Nov...

I AM SO DUMB!!!!!!! It has taken all this effort to finally acknowledge and recognise my missing me. There is another “me” inside “me”. From what I think I have ascertained, I, the personality that is writing this paper, came to be at the beginning of secondary school, around the age of ten. [ED. we later found out that there were teens too, and 5 was is fact the 5th revision of our host] Until then, I believe Lil’ one  did not know how to deal with things. Until then he only dealt with adults. Other children were ghostly figures with whom he did not interact much. ====================================================== Who hasn’t watched and grown to love The Big Bang Theory TV show? Almost everyone I know is at least familiar with it and find it funny. Yet, why is it funny? It’s a show about “normal” people making fun of “nerds”. There is the occasional “revenge of the geek” theme, but it is exceedingly rare. Usually it is about hapless people, going through their boring life, pro...

Everything is interconnected. Thoughts, revelations, understandings, don’t follow a linear timeline. Sometimes we understand something after we know it. And sometimes we stop understanding something that was so clear to us. This next section is proof of this point. While everything already detailed was happening, and gradually, over time, my head/mind (not sure which) was also processing/dealing with this chain of thoughts. I love doing psychic work. Not necessarily as an income earner. It’s just exciting to be able to see and understand things that others don’t. Yet, somehow, I cannot do the things I could as a child. This is normal. As we grow older, we lose some of our natural gifts. However, I see no reason why I shouldn’t be able to re-gain those skills with practice. However, true psychic abilities are accentuated when we have a specific state of mind, a different state of awareness. This is often accompanied by following a lifestyle that respects Spiritual principles. This is, p...

Mr. Robot As all of this was going on in my head, something strange happened! Mr Robot on IMDB  https://www.imdb.com/title/tt4158110/ The official synopsis reads: Elliot, a brilliant but highly unstable young cyber-security engineer and vigilante hacker, becomes a key figure in a complex game of global dominance when he and his shadowy allies try to take down the corrupt corporation he works for ( imdb.com ) However , the story as I saw it was a different one. Elliot had been abused as a child and had Disassociated Personality Disorder. I did not want to watch it. Yet I was compelled. I could not stop staring at the TV, episode after episode, with my heart in my throat and leaky eyes. Then the last episode of the last season came. The outcome was that Elliot was a new personality that he had created to survive the harm he suffered. But his original personality was too fragile to survive in the real world and could not be re-integrated. I cried. Or rather I watched myself cry. I wat...

We all have, at least, a little voice in our heads. While I was entangled in a mainstream reality, I interpreted these simply as the typical good voice / bad voice and attributed it to what everybody calls a conscience. As my spiritual awareness developed, these became more nuanced. Once we are introduced to concepts such as that of a Higher Self, an Eternal Soul, Spirit Guides, Spirit Teachers, and Spirits and Ancestors, the ideas of voices in the head becomes worthy of much more attention. Voices are not necessarily “voices”. They can be images, visions, sounds, feelings, “sensing”, smells, or almost anything at all. It is easy to see how easy it would be to misinterpret anything that comes out of our head/mind … a dream is not necessarily a premonition. It could be an expression of what happened to us, of our brain processing certain information. Similarly, a voice, can be created by our imagination. And everything we feel, hear, see, and whatnot is interpreted by the limited unders...

Poor visual representation of "the Guys" As I was beginning my analysis, I had noticed that there was a little voice in my head that would simply say “I don’t want to” and would stop me from doing anything. I have always known about all my personalities. They are real personalities. They have dreams, hopes, aspirations. They can think on their own (is this aided by hypoconnectivity associated with ASD?). We have remarkably interesting and involved conversations and they always bring something new to the fore for me to think of. They contribute to my personal, emotional, and spiritual development. To some extent they even help me with my physical upkeep. They are different from the other voices in my head (see Analysing the voices ).  They come directly from my brain, and each reflect the stage of my life that created it. The one thing I noticed, is that they have become parts of a larger me, facets of my overall personality. They are still independent, different, sometimes co...

In the beginning I have always remembered that I had an unbelievably bad childhood. I just never remembered the details. I don’t know when my brain created this black hole to hide all those memories. That is just what happened. Somehow, my head had created some digestible, bite size memories, as evasive as possible, that would give an idea that my childhood was not a pleasant one. When asked by others, this would not prompt pity or attract unwanted attention. When dealing with my own memories, this enabled me to shrug everything off and feel unconcerned and unhurt. The memory of the pain, however, was enough to sensitise me towards other people’s sufferings. These have always been the only recollections of my childhood: My oldest memories are being incredibly young, and throughout my childhood and teenage years planning how to kill myself. Nothing else. Just a desire to die. Constant. Never ending. A longing that never was satisfied. I did remember a conversation I had had with “father...

This may seem an odd question coming from a 55-year-old man. I must know who I am, by now. And, indeed, until now, this question had an obvious answer: I am who I decide to be. I’ve always been a big promoter of “follow your dreams”, and a proponent of the theory that a person doesn’t find oneself but invents oneself. According to this principle, I have always decided who I wanted to be (and what)  ( see You don’t find yourself; you invent yourself on page 16 ), and relentlessly assumed that “persona”. So, when I started to want to be a professional, I went to university. I then refined that to IT, as I seemed suited to it, and pursued that. I took on that personality and shaped it through my career to become who I thought I wanted to be. Yet that ignored the fact that my personality (the TRUE me that lurks beneath the surface of who I portray to be) is not suited to that kind of work environment (that’s probably for another essay!). By itself, this created a conflict. I have alwa...