Diary - 2023, March 24

No Name

Everyone before me loved our first name.

“The man” used it to hurt us and make us feel we were not even worthy of our name.

“Pft … Angel … fallen angel more like … “

Or

“You are not an angel, you’re the devil!”

And

“Those people who named you must have been out of their mind … angel … you make me laugh!”

Without forgetting:

“You have the devil in you …”

and

“You are possessed by demons!”

And that was probably the reason why the boys loved their name. It was the only good thing that the biological parent gave him.

Angels are a symbol of strength, and purity; they’re messengers of Love and Justice.

So, every one of the boys loved that name. Especially 5. He felt it represented well his identity.

And that it did. 5 was pretty much an Angel. Loving, but also not afraid of hate. Ying and Yang. Two sides of the same coin. Darkness and Light in one single package.

He was very apt at managing this inner conflict. Good, within reason. Bad, within reason. His empathy handled the boundaries of acceptability.

There have been 5 versions of this Angel person in adulthood. Yet 5 is the one we think of the most when we say our name out loud. He epitomises what we could have achieved within the constraints of our upbringing.

He is in many ways our one and only role model. He inspired us to believe that everything is possible. He showed us that our past does not have to hold us back.

Our current neurological configuration is firmly based on his logic and connection rules.

But we are different.

Up to the teens, we were a multiple. However, when we moved to a different country and were full of dreams and hope, everyone went to sleep and a new version of “me” emerged.

This person managed to live the life of a singlet for a few decades. A single system, made up of parts, like that described by the Internal Family System, managed day-to-day activities. Unaware of the many hidden selves.

So, 2 to 5 created an inner world that as much as possible resembled that of a singlet. A single system at a time.

Looking back, and with the gift of hindsight, we can see that we weren’t aware of much of what happened outside the ANP system. Our conscience, ideology, and inspiration were very much driven by some hidden selves operating outside the host’s control.

And we smile thinking at how appalled 5 would be to know that he wasn’t in complete control!

But so, every ANP system was happy with our given name. Proud even. Nobody liked the surname, but the first name was kind of iconic.

But now it’s different.

All the selves and systems are now waking up, and will be fully sharing daily life in their own way. We are not just many parts and sub-personality types. We are many. We are one too, but we are many.

And the name is now not relevant anymore. We are not the product of our upbringing anymore. We transcended our societal destiny and begun to create a new identity. One better aligned with out true collective self. An identity that includes everybody and that is greater than the sum of its parts.

So, we need a new name! We are open to suggestion. For now, ND Maverick will do!