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Auti-multiplicity

What's it like to be a multiple neurodivergent person? Well, for me it's always been what I considered normal. Recently, I have become aware that it is indeed NOT NORMAL, so this is a kind of diary, where I try and share my experience, and any knowledge that I acquire on the way. This blog is more for me than it is intended to have an audience. It is my way to express myself. 🤓

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The Haunted Self

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- December 15, 2022

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(c) Angelo Gibertoni 2022

Intro
Glossary
References
References: Videos
References: Online
References: Bibliography
ID 101: Table of Contents
ID 102: Table of Contents
ID 103: Table of Contents
Diary
The boy nobody loved - TOC

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Abuse
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ID 101 - 5: The clues I gave myself

- December 30, 2022

Again, with hindsight, I can see that I gave myself clues of what was likely to be happening. I wrote an incomplete list of how I believe that I indicated to myself the breakaway part of my personality. In the interest of ease of understanding, I will analyse some items in their specific section. As each section is tightly interrelated to the others, a hierarchical structure would be ineffective. Thoughts, analysis, developments, and understandings have not come in a logical and structured way. As the mind wondered and wandered, and the heart followed, new and old emotions and thoughts came to light which eventually led to a degree of advancement in the overall theory. The Unified Theory of the Universe , the elaboration of the concept of post-Spiritual(ism), and my personal development have been closely tied together over the last 10 years. They have developed at similar paces, feeding each other with new epiphanies and aiding each other’s progression. Hence, I am adopting an almost f...

Quora - July 30, 2023: Therapist woes

- August 03, 2023

Why did our Therapist imply that we're relying too much on our alters(?) He said for us to try and wait 90 seconds to process our emotions and feelings without having an alter switch in to deal with it. We don't consciously do it, we don't have control over it, and we found it very offensive that he suggested it. Are we right to feel upset about it? I’m gonna answer as a fellow multiple, rather than being technical. Of course you are right to feel upset about what happened. Whatever emotions you feel they are yours, and they are absolutely valid! I am torn here on the answer to give you. I can see that there would be some usefulness in doing what your therapist suggests, however, I wonder what the motivation and final goal are. The way I see it, obviously as you say we don’t have control over it. But also, there is a reason why someone switches to handle the emotion. That could be because you are not ready, or because you need to be eased into it. Or simply you or your alte...

Quora - July 30, 2023: Persecutors

- July 30, 2023

What are your opinions on system persecutors? Some people say they're evil and others say they're misunderstood. I think they're misunderstood most of the time but what do you think based off personal experience or research? Ok, we are a system (unimaginatively called the Dark System) that has a persecutor sub-system made up of a lot guys from different phases of our lives. Let me tell you about our first persecutors. We were 4–5 year old. We kept getting told “why don’t you just die” or “you should kill yourself”. So, our first persecutors were the dark twins. One used to remind us that we should unlive. The other would look around and find opportunities to do it. But, the twins weren’t hurting us. That was actually soothing. Our middles used to find comfort in those thoughts. And for as twisted and perverse as it may sound, they have been comforting us ever since. When life gets really tough, talking through unliving with them actually keeps us living. After that, we got ...

ID 101 - 4: The voices

- December 27, 2022

We all have, at least, a little voice in our heads. While I was entangled in a mainstream reality, I interpreted these simply as the typical good voice / bad voice and attributed it to what everybody calls a conscience. As my spiritual awareness developed, these became more nuanced. Once we are introduced to concepts such as that of a Higher Self, an Eternal Soul, Spirit Guides, Spirit Teachers, and Spirits and Ancestors, the ideas of voices in the head becomes worthy of much more attention. Voices are not necessarily “voices”. They can be images, visions, sounds, feelings, “sensing”, smells, or almost anything at all. It is easy to see how easy it would be to misinterpret anything that comes out of our head/mind … a dream is not necessarily a premonition. It could be an expression of what happened to us, of our brain processing certain information. Similarly, a voice, can be created by our imagination. And everything we feel, hear, see, and whatnot is interpreted by the limited unders...

Quora - July 21, 2023: Faking it

- July 21, 2023

What is it about dissociative disorders that make you feel like you are faking it? And how do you work out what is real? For us, co-consciousness, co-fronting, and co-hosting are what help us understand and delineate each individual self (or system) in our system. So, when we are co-con, or co-fronting, or co-hosting we can see and feel that our reality is composed of multiple identities. Although at this stage we don’t really know how many we have, and who many of them are. When this happens, we can talk to each other, hear each other’s thoughts, feel one another and their feelings. There are lots of clear evidence of how crowded our brain is. Sometimes, however, we switch into a system that does not have any of that awareness. There is no co-whatsit … In these situations we have come to the conclusion that reality doesn’t change. Members of that system still do all the micro-switches and finish each other’s sentences, and share functionality. But it is done in a way that the host orc...

Quora - July 6, 2023: Appreciating my selves

- July 21, 2023

We have been going through a period of intense instability, and that is why we want to validate the efforts of some of our members. Memories have been flooding in for some of our youngest. We found quite a few “new” littles and middles, and have been trying to keep a semblance of normality while dealing with the internal turmoil. Everybody has been soldiering on, so to speak, despite the difficulties, and that alone is a reason to be proud of each and everyone. One of our members, however, had more difficulties than the others. They are a teen, and they are one of our major trauma holders. They come in many versions from a few months old to around 15 year old. Most the the new littles we found were young “copies” of them, all with just fragments of memories. This was understandably difficult. Those memories were … very painful on many levels … not just the factual memories, but the associated kinesthetic and emotional reminders were making denial of those events impossible. Yet, they s...

Diary - 2023, April 10

- April 10, 2023

Has anyone else here gone through coercive control/ coercive persuasion abuse? We feel as though we have no true self anymore like just a hollow shell and no true knowledge of who we really were if we ever were whole at all I totally relate. We have been trying to answer this for a few days and are finding it quite difficult and very triggering. But, despite the difficulties we wanted to answer this question. We believe that if we can help others manage their struggles by sharing ours, then our own were useful and worthwhile. Who am I (singular self) With regards to your question, we have different perspectives depending on who you ask. We will have to be a little philosophical in the answer we give. Littles and middles get flashbacks. Identity is not a concern, I guess they’re too young for that, but memories are always extremely challenging. They took the brunt of the coercion and manipulation. ABA was only a small apparent fraction of the reality that was happening behind closed doo...