Auti-multiplicity

Why did our Therapist imply that we're relying too much on our alters(?) He said for us to try and wait 90 seconds to process our emotions and feelings without having an alter switch in to deal with it. We don't consciously do it, we don't have control over it, and we found it very offensive that he suggested it. Are we right to feel upset about it? I’m gonna answer as a fellow multiple, rather than being technical. Of course you are right to feel upset about what happened. Whatever emotions you feel they are yours, and they are absolutely valid! I am torn here on the answer to give you. I can see that there would be some usefulness in doing what your therapist suggests, however, I wonder what the motivation and final goal are. The way I see it, obviously as you say we don’t have control over it. But also, there is a reason why someone switches to handle the emotion. That could be because you are not ready, or because you need to be eased into it. Or simply you or your alte...

What are your opinions on system persecutors? Some people say they're evil and others say they're misunderstood. I think they're misunderstood most of the time but what do you think based off personal experience or research? Ok, we are a system (unimaginatively called the Dark System) that has a persecutor sub-system made up of a lot guys from different phases of our lives. Let me tell you about our first persecutors. We were 4–5 year old. We kept getting told “why don’t you just die” or “you should kill yourself”. So, our first persecutors were the dark twins. One used to remind us that we should unlive. The other would look around and find opportunities to do it. But, the twins weren’t hurting us. That was actually soothing. Our middles used to find comfort in those thoughts. And for as twisted and perverse as it may sound, they have been comforting us ever since. When life gets really tough, talking through unliving with them actually keeps us living. After that, we got ...

 I am just going to talk hypothetically for fun, but can find some more detailed references here if needed  . So, Can someone develop DID without having gone through any specific trauma? I guess that depends on what your definition of DID/Dissociated identity is, and how you believe it is created as a disorder. From that it is possible to then derive whether there would non-traumagenic experiences comparable to traumagenic ones that could have created the dissociated selves. With the exception of PTSD, it is commonly accepted that all dissociative disorders originate early on during the developmental phases of human existence . It is also commonly believed that repeated trauma prevents the association of different action systems, and that we are born dissociated to start with . Internal Family System even asserts that everybody is in essence a multiple, although it is quick to call those sub-personality types, which is not quite the same as having different consciousness sh...

We are not yet formally diagnosed other than having some form of DDs … but when comparing our experiences to others, we are more likely to get labelled OSDD-2 or UDD. Switching has been morphing lately. Our inner structure and composition is changing greatly and very rapidly, and this has affected how switches occur. We have multiple systems that each have subsystems. These most often are grouped by age groups, although lately we have had systems organising according to experiences, or personality type (what we call identity streams). So a member (whether a full self, a fragment, a part, or a facet) can join more than one system. So, someone who experience a certain type of abuse at a certain times will become a member of the relevant age group system, the identity stream of those specific personality traits, as well as the system of those who share the same type of experiences. We are still trying to work out what the implications of this are because it seems to be changing considerab...

Sometimes I don’t know who l am. Has anybody experienced this? Hum, for us it’s the opposite. Sometimes we know who we are, but most often we don’t. It is curious, because we only have just over a dozen systems who have names. We do have some systems without names. We also have (potentially) many more other systems that we don’t recognise individually yet. LIke now … We (the system that is writing this) are aware of everything that we are writing, and of the other systems (we are co-con) but we don’t communicate with them. And we don’t know which system we are. We know what we know, but we don’t know what we don’t know. You will find that a lot of us identity as “me”. Many littles do, but some of us grown ups too. Who is writing this? It is “me”, this “me” here that is typing this… to us it makes sense, and it is actually easier to refer to one another this way. If you ask me who told me something, I know exactly who that “me” is, I can spot them in a crowd of however many there are … ...

 AI helps me understand my inner world! OK, so, my Littles have been trying to explain to me what their first protectors look like. I have always been a little reticent, admittedly. Mainly because my artistic skills are somewhat lacking … but also because I don’t know anyone that can draw for me … And I must confess I don’t understand them (the kids) in much depth (it’s more a visceral, primal connection), which I obviously try to remedy 😬 But they kept at it, of course, as kids should … so we started trying some AI. I got bored pretty quickly but they kept learning tirelessly … and as I am a kinda grandad … I smile and endured, so to speak. And we got some good results. We used anime style because it is the one the littles like the most. Ghost So, this is Ghost. The very first protector for our babies and toddlers And of course, they’re great with kids of all ages … Apparently, Ghost used to take the kids on long dissociative journeys to wondrous lands … Something similar to chil...

We have been going through a period of intense instability, and that is why we want to validate the efforts of some of our members. Memories have been flooding in for some of our youngest. We found quite a few “new” littles and middles, and have been trying to keep a semblance of normality while dealing with the internal turmoil. Everybody has been soldiering on, so to speak, despite the difficulties, and that alone is a reason to be proud of each and everyone. One of our members, however, had more difficulties than the others. They are a teen, and they are one of our major trauma holders. They come in many versions from a few months old to around 15 year old. Most the the new littles we found were young “copies” of them, all with just fragments of memories. This was understandably difficult. Those memories were … very painful on many levels … not just the factual memories, but the associated kinesthetic and emotional reminders were making denial of those events impossible. Yet, they s...

 This is a sensitive subject for us, and very triggering. I’m sure those who read our answers have endured repeated references to 5. He is a Legend in our system. He was active between 2008 and 2021. He was a kind of “upgrade” from 4 because we acquired lots of new skills and expertise at the time, so he was not created traumagenically. He is the one who understood the complexity of our system. Because of this, he knew that, at least neurologically, he would not be able to manage the whole system and that we needed to “upgrade” to a new host/ANP. He made some very detailed plans of how this should happen organically so that the system would not be destabilised. These were so outstanding, that we are still following them. We often refer to him as T he Architect of our system. Everything would have been perfect, as it was customary for 5. However, he made one single mistake. He accepted a referral to a psychologist. The abusive relationship that ensued, with the extensive invalidati...

Well, there are many different types of “voices”, and each has specific characteristics. The ones I am familiar with are: Inner Selves/Alters/Internal Family systems Intuition/Inspiration Channelling (Spirits or Otherworldly Creatures) “Rumblings” in the ether, so to speak. So, I’ll tell you a little about my experience of these 😁. But first: What are voices? Here is an interesting video I bookmarked a while ago on the science of voices in the head I wanted to briefly mention that “voices” can take many forms, and are not always auditory. Sometimes they may consist of sensations, images, words, and thoughts, or any combination of these. I do not have any personal experience of negative voices. That doesn’t mean that I have never experiences voices being critical. They have been critical on many occasions, but I never detected any ill intention. As a disclaimer, I must declare that these explanations are in line with my belief system. They might, however, not align with yours. Ok, let’...

  Intense week TW______________________ Losing a host - - - - - - - - - As is customary when we write, anybody in the system who wants to contribute is blended in, providing an interestingly balanced mix of views and perspectives. It has been a rollercoaster, we have had some very negative experiences, but these were interspersed with wonderfully fulfilling ones. As always, inner life is easier than anything that happens IRL. I’ll start with the biggest bad news of the week as it has had a considerable impact. This week, our last host “disappeared”. We called him #7 because we believe he was the 7th reincarnation of that specific host. We noticed that when we carry out a specific task, the host always ends up “breaking” and being replaced. This happened again on Monday after he did what he had to do. For us, the death of a host is devastating. Our inner world is quite limited. Therefore, the host is usually the one with the closest relationship to all the member of our inner fam....

From personal experience, adult trauma can be overcome. It is possible to heal. In my case, I don’t know if it is because I had prior experience, so to speak, but I have been able to recover from stuff that happened in adulthood when given the chance. I guess we are talking about primary dissociation. Overall, when having the opportunity to talk about and process events and fallout, it is possible to put it all behind. Even when repeated over time (in my experience periods of up to 3 years of daily repetition of trauma) can be overcome when one dedicates appropriate time and effort to healing. Childhood trauma however stays. I guess that is what is called chronic. One may have periods of remission, sometimes lasting even long spells. Even decades. But there are relapses. That is simply the brain develops and works differently. This is what I learnt by living with my brain for a long-ish amount of time: Certainly when one experiences childhood trauma they will be more likely to develop ...

I have so many instances … At the moment I am focusing on my child selves and parts. They are at a stage where they know that times are different. They know that the inner world is safe, and they know that they are loved and accepted. Also, they know that they are now allowed to be children. No need to worry about IRL, no fear, no need to protect. They are free. I have aphantasia, so I don’t have an inner world. We do have a campfire-type-thingy, but there is no fire, just the camp in the darkness. It doesn’t look like much, but it feels like home. There’s lots of love in this corner of my mind. Here my parts gather when they want to share anything. Sadness, joy, fears, hopes, desires, and anything else. When someone is sad, or upset in any way, someone else will usually spend time with them. Often in complete silence. Just sharing the feeling. So, it can be difficult to understand who is who, other than by “sensing” and empathy, at least at first. Some can get quite chatty eventually...

What's the best way to explain what alters REALLY are to someone who isn't getting it, and just thinks that it's just the body's owner being different and using a different name for it? I think the problem is that nobody really knows what is going on, so it is impossible to explain. I’ll share my approach, and see how you feel about it. Even when I think about it, it is a difficult concept to explain. Let me share with you an event that helped me understand. My littles are left handed. I promised them I would do my best to learn to use my left side more. And in fairness I was always trying. However, I often forgot. One of the agreements was that I’d start eating left-handed for practice. But I kept forgetting at least until I was half-way through a meal. Sometimes I completely forgot. One day, as I was mindlessly eating holding a spoon with my right hand, my left hand snatched it, filled it and brought it to my mouth in what felt like a fit of rage. Experientially, it ...

Describe a particular time or an ongoing situation where you felt you were acting as a child more than an adult, where it seemed a young child part was in charge. While you’re doing this, perhaps you can extend some compassion, curiosity, or another of the 8 Cs or 5 Ps to this part. This is a recurring question which will refresh periodically. If you’ve written about this before you can write about the same part here or a different one, whatever you feel like sharing. I have so many instances … At the moment I am focusing on my child selves and parts. They are at a stage where they know that times are different. They know that the inner world is safe, and they know that they are loved and accepted. Also, they know that they are now allowed to be children. No need to worry about IRL, no fear, no need to protect. They are free. I have aphantasia, so I don’t have an inner world. We do have a campfire-type-thingy, but there is no fire, just the camp in the darkness. It doesn’t look like mu...

  What can you tell non-depressed people about people with depression? One of my selves writing about depression. I wish they stopped calling it depression. Depression is what people get when they run out of beer and the local shop is closed. Making coffee with the last drop of milk, and then pour the coffee on the cereals … that causes depression. Depression is when you missed the train to work and you have to wait 2 minutes for the next one. Oh my favourite team lost a match … I’m so depressed. Life is so depressing … password sharing on Netflix is not possible anymore … I wish people understood that what they call “depression” is actually more likely to be comparable to desolation, resignation, psychospiritual existential emptiness. Nihilistic stoicism. Hope for the best in the knowledge that realistically we can only expect the worst. An awareness that no matter how hard we work to attain moments of joys, they are in reality much more fleeting than one would desire. They say th...

Have you ever had good communication, lost it, and then got it back? What are your favourite tips/tricks for internal communication? Communication in my opinion, is especially ephemeral. It is one of its principal properties. Whether internally or externally. Therefore, good communication is a fully reciprocal iterative process of expression and explanation. Where one first expresses their opinion then explains what they mean. Although this model does not prevent misunderstandings, when properly implemented it can resolve them. “What do you mean ?” And “ What I mean is” are commonplace Q&As in appropriately inquisitive interactions. For example, I’ve known of my little one for a couple of years. Communication has been consistent and emotionally intense. A few flashbacks have been shared. We got really close. I knew I was missing something, but just kept at it. Sometimes communication was wonderful. Not verbal, but it was certainly about bonding, spending time together. ...

What is your routine and structure for your parts work? Please share about the steps you take that have worked for you in connecting with your parts in a healing way. This is a very insightful question that we are grateful for as it enables us to focus our attention and analysis on a review of our current perspective, approach, and circumstances. It will be great to hear comments from others. Setting the scene Since we became aware of our multiplicity, we have changed our approach to parts work to reflect the improved understanding of their needs. Firstly, the host split twice. As our host has functioned as a gatekeeper amongst his many roles, that has meant that our whole "gatekeeping" has changed. The original host was mainly a business manager. And he used to manage life as a business. He was incredibly efficient, and our system run like clockwork. He was the one who discovered our multiplicity, analysed it, and came up with a plan on how to develop our system fairly and e...