Quora - July 30, 2023: Therapist woes
Why did our Therapist imply that we're relying too much on our alters(?) He said for us to try and wait 90 seconds to process our emotions and feelings without having an alter switch in to deal with it. We don't consciously do it, we don't have control over it, and we found it very offensive that he suggested it. Are we right to feel upset about it?
I’m gonna answer as a fellow multiple, rather than being technical.Of course you are right to feel upset about what happened. Whatever emotions you feel they are yours, and they are absolutely valid!
I am torn here on the answer to give you. I can see that there would be some usefulness in doing what your therapist suggests, however, I wonder what the motivation and final goal are.
The way I see it, obviously as you say we don’t have control over it. But also, there is a reason why someone switches to handle the emotion. That could be because you are not ready, or because you need to be eased into it. Or simply you or your alters need to believe in you (the one asking the question) a little more.
On the other hand, sharing emotions with our emotional parts builds a bond. So, we don’t want the alter/self not to step in, but rather we want to share their burden with us.
Because don’t forget, stepping in every time there is an emotion is taxing. Imagine being the one that deals with sadness, or the one that deals with anger, or any other emotion. They become sadness and anger, they become trapped in state of being that they don’t want to be in.
While you may benefit temporarily with some respite, the system as a whole suffers and healing will take much more work.
There are ways in which we can start from being conscious, then co-conscious, then co-fronting, then co-hosting. And this last step for us is what we consider integration, i.e. a fully connected functional multiplicity.
So, personally, is that situation I would ask questions. Like why are they saying that? Can they suggest ways to achieve that? What therapeutic model, if any, are they using? And work from there, I’m sure as the answers come, more questions will arise.
Usually, when working with multiplicities, therapists tend to us Internal Family Systems even if just as a basis to understand how to work with parts. However, depending on the type of system and your specific flavour of dissociation, it does need to be heavily customised. So, previous experience is desirable.
Having said that, if you have one of those wonderful therapist who does little wrong, they will be happy to engage with you and modify their approach to suit your needs. They are there to help you after all.
So, in conclusion, it is upsetting, but not necessarily a deal breaker. If you are developing a good rapport with this therapist, it may be worth it to have a candid chat …
Just an opinion, of course, I wish you all the best 💙
