Auti-multiplicity

What are your opinions on system persecutors? Some people say they're evil and others say they're misunderstood. I think they're misunderstood most of the time but what do you think based off personal experience or research? Ok, we are a system (unimaginatively called the Dark System) that has a persecutor sub-system made up of a lot guys from different phases of our lives. Let me tell you about our first persecutors. We were 4–5 year old. We kept getting told “why don’t you just die” or “you should kill yourself”. So, our first persecutors were the dark twins. One used to remind us that we should unlive. The other would look around and find opportunities to do it. But, the twins weren’t hurting us. That was actually soothing. Our middles used to find comfort in those thoughts. And for as twisted and perverse as it may sound, they have been comforting us ever since. When life gets really tough, talking through unliving with them actually keeps us living. After that, we got ...

Sometimes we try to intentionally trigger painful flashbacks. There are a number of reasons why that might be the case. It does depend on how one processed the trauma, and where one is on their healing journey. Here I am going to give you just one theory. 🙂 Background So, let’s start by saying that it is now fully acknowledged that personalities are naturally made up of parts . So, for example, let’s pretend that we find a person sexy, but we know they have a repulsive personality. Our decision of having sex with them depends on whether our horny part or our sensible one wins the internal debate.  However, these parts can actually take on lives of their own when we move on to trauma. Let’s start with the “basic” PTSD-inducing trauma, which causes primary dissociation . During trauma, our part-system creates a new part to handle the trauma. A so called Emotional Part. Now that part holds on to the all the neurological configuration at the time of the traumatic event. This in...

  Intense week TW______________________ Losing a host - - - - - - - - - As is customary when we write, anybody in the system who wants to contribute is blended in, providing an interestingly balanced mix of views and perspectives. It has been a rollercoaster, we have had some very negative experiences, but these were interspersed with wonderfully fulfilling ones. As always, inner life is easier than anything that happens IRL. I’ll start with the biggest bad news of the week as it has had a considerable impact. This week, our last host “disappeared”. We called him #7 because we believe he was the 7th reincarnation of that specific host. We noticed that when we carry out a specific task, the host always ends up “breaking” and being replaced. This happened again on Monday after he did what he had to do. For us, the death of a host is devastating. Our inner world is quite limited. Therefore, the host is usually the one with the closest relationship to all the member of our inner fam....

From personal experience, adult trauma can be overcome. It is possible to heal. In my case, I don’t know if it is because I had prior experience, so to speak, but I have been able to recover from stuff that happened in adulthood when given the chance. I guess we are talking about primary dissociation. Overall, when having the opportunity to talk about and process events and fallout, it is possible to put it all behind. Even when repeated over time (in my experience periods of up to 3 years of daily repetition of trauma) can be overcome when one dedicates appropriate time and effort to healing. Childhood trauma however stays. I guess that is what is called chronic. One may have periods of remission, sometimes lasting even long spells. Even decades. But there are relapses. That is simply the brain develops and works differently. This is what I learnt by living with my brain for a long-ish amount of time: Certainly when one experiences childhood trauma they will be more likely to develop ...

Has anyone else here gone through coercive control/ coercive persuasion abuse? We feel as though we have no true self anymore like just a hollow shell and no true knowledge of who we really were if we ever were whole at all I totally relate. We have been trying to answer this for a few days and are finding it quite difficult and very triggering. But, despite the difficulties we wanted to answer this question. We believe that if we can help others manage their struggles by sharing ours, then our own were useful and worthwhile. Who am I (singular self) With regards to your question, we have different perspectives depending on who you ask. We will have to be a little philosophical in the answer we give. Littles and middles get flashbacks. Identity is not a concern, I guess they’re too young for that, but memories are always extremely challenging. They took the brunt of the coercion and manipulation. ABA was only a small apparent fraction of the reality that was happening behind closed doo...

  Flashbacks Since the last support group meeting, we have been somewhat unsettled. The littles have been troubled by memories of feelings. Being locked away. Being hated. The unknown. Terror. Confusion. Darkness. There have been memories of sensations too. Being thrown. Being squashed. Difficulty breathing. Not being allowed to move. Fainting. Looking around confused, not knowing what had happened. A room. A chair. A child slowing crouching more and more as the hours go by until he falls to the ground. He opens his eyes, confused, uncertain why he is lying on the mat. Dry saliva streaking through the side of his face. How long had he been there? His pain is unknown to world. His tears make no sound. His deep desolate sighs are as silent as the sound of desperation. In space. Because everybody knows that in space no one can hear you scream! The littles have been remembering all of this. One flashback after another. Each the same. In that room. Alone. Unable to mov...

My memories How do people remember? Does my memory work very differently from other people? It seems to be an issue with some. They don’t seem to value my memories the way I do. They find me vague. It seems to cause friction. How do people remember? I do not have memories of events. I do not remember that a certain day I did something specific, and then something else happened. I only have three memories that are contiguous and almost complete. The day I was given away. The day I was “taken in”. And the day I was locked away. Those are the only events that my mind was able to piece together from the myriad of fragments floating in the darkness that fills my consciousness. After this my boys made the conscious decision that they don’t want to assemble fragments and remember. Those are the only memories that contain the story, the dialogues, the sounds, the weather, the faces of the people, the environment, my feelings, their feelings, the jingle of the coins, the tones of the voices, th...