The boy nobody loved - TOC

 This is a fantasy. It is not real. But it is loosely based on my life.


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Diary - 2023, March 24

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No Name Everyone before me loved our first name. “The man” used it to hurt us and make us feel we were not even worthy of our name. “Pft … Angel … fallen angel more like … “ Or “You are not an angel, you’re the devil!” And “Those people who named you must have been out of their mind … angel … you make me laugh!” Without forgetting: “You have the devil in you …” and “You are possessed by demons!” And that was probably the reason why the boys loved their name. It was the only good thing that the biological parent gave him. Angels are a symbol of strength, and purity; they’re messengers of Love and Justice. So, every one of the boys loved that name. Especially 5. He felt it represented well his identity. And that it did. 5 was pretty much an Angel. Loving, but also not afraid of hate. Ying and Yang. Two sides of the same coin. Darkness and Light in one single package. He was very apt at managing this inner conflict. Good, within reason. Bad, within reason. His e...
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ID 101 - 4: The voices

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We all have, at least, a little voice in our heads. While I was entangled in a mainstream reality, I interpreted these simply as the typical good voice / bad voice and attributed it to what everybody calls a conscience. As my spiritual awareness developed, these became more nuanced. Once we are introduced to concepts such as that of a Higher Self, an Eternal Soul, Spirit Guides, Spirit Teachers, and Spirits and Ancestors, the ideas of voices in the head becomes worthy of much more attention. Voices are not necessarily “voices”. They can be images, visions, sounds, feelings, “sensing”, smells, or almost anything at all. It is easy to see how easy it would be to misinterpret anything that comes out of our head/mind … a dream is not necessarily a premonition. It could be an expression of what happened to us, of our brain processing certain information. Similarly, a voice, can be created by our imagination. And everything we feel, hear, see, and whatnot is interpreted by the limited unders...
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Quora - July 30, 2023: Therapist woes

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Why did our Therapist imply that we're relying too much on our alters(?) He said for us to try and wait 90 seconds to process our emotions and feelings without having an alter switch in to deal with it. We don't consciously do it, we don't have control over it, and we found it very offensive that he suggested it. Are we right to feel upset about it? I’m gonna answer as a fellow multiple, rather than being technical. Of course you are right to feel upset about what happened. Whatever emotions you feel they are yours, and they are absolutely valid! I am torn here on the answer to give you. I can see that there would be some usefulness in doing what your therapist suggests, however, I wonder what the motivation and final goal are. The way I see it, obviously as you say we don’t have control over it. But also, there is a reason why someone switches to handle the emotion. That could be because you are not ready, or because you need to be eased into it. Or simply you or your alte...
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Multiplicity and Neurodivergence

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This blog is more for me than it is intended to have an audience. It is my way to express myself. 🤓 I don't care if you don't, but I would love it if you did like it 😁 Here is a summary of how our host feels sometimes: The host I am! Different versions of me materialize through me They become me, or I them, which is uncertain. Sometimes there’s many, ebbing and flowing sometimes there’s one,  just being. I am! When they are there and when they are not, I am When they are there, I am them. When they are not ... who am I? Am I? To help you navigate through the website, here are some tags: Identity 101 is a diary/analysis that System 5 (2002-2022) wrote when he was becoming aware of our multiplicity. Prior to this, he was not unaware of it - it just was "normal" to him, so he never thought it needed analysing. However, at a point he recognised that his "complex" personality had little secrets in store for him. Here is his chronicle of his jo...
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Quora - July 21, 2023: Faking it

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What is it about dissociative disorders that make you feel like you are faking it? And how do you work out what is real? For us, co-consciousness, co-fronting, and co-hosting are what help us understand and delineate each individual self (or system) in our system. So, when we are co-con, or co-fronting, or co-hosting we can see and feel that our reality is composed of multiple identities. Although at this stage we don’t really know how many we have, and who many of them are. When this happens, we can talk to each other, hear each other’s thoughts, feel one another and their feelings. There are lots of clear evidence of how crowded our brain is. Sometimes, however, we switch into a system that does not have any of that awareness. There is no co-whatsit … In these situations we have come to the conclusion that reality doesn’t change. Members of that system still do all the micro-switches and finish each other’s sentences, and share functionality. But it is done in a way that the host orc...
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