ID 101 - 5: The clues I gave myself
I wrote an incomplete list of how I believe that I indicated to myself the breakaway part of my personality.
In the interest of ease of understanding, I will analyse some items in their specific section. As each section is tightly interrelated to the others, a hierarchical structure would be ineffective. Thoughts, analysis, developments, and understandings have not come in a logical and structured way. As the mind wondered and wandered, and the heart followed, new and old emotions and thoughts came to light which eventually led to a degree of advancement in the overall theory.
The Unified Theory of the Universe, the elaboration of the concept of post-Spiritual(ism), and my personal development have been closely tied together over the last 10 years. They have developed at similar paces, feeding each other with new epiphanies and aiding each other’s progression.
Hence, I am adopting an almost flat hierarchy, and attempting to separate each individual topic.
However, there are two of the points in the list that I should address in this section. Principally, I am doing so because these two items are incidental, and do not probably deserve their own top-level topic. But also because they presented a conflict that I had to reconcile.
- You don’t find yourself; you invent yourself
- I want to be ME
You don’t find yourself; you invent yourself
Since a very young age I had to watch and correct my behaviour and mannerism as it seemed to cause offense to those who had power over me.
So, I begun inventing myself. Creating this boy, who became a man. From scratch. Wanting to be accepted, longing for approval, I begun a life-long project of relentless self-improvement.
What I didn’t realise was that doing so meant scrapping away everything about me except a few crumbs of intellect. It entailed adopting a society-approved blue-print of what someone with my goals should be.
This meant that I was never “me”, but always was “pretending” to be someone I was not. The conditioning was so great that I believed I was exercising my free will by denying who I was.
Now, I still believe we invent ourselves. We decide who we want to be, and then we are that person. However, this should be in harmony with our true inner self. Otherwise, we will end up still being dissatisfied about our achievements, and we will only have ourselves to blame for the failure.
I want to be ME
As all this was going on, I increasingly begun feeling an urge to be ME. I felt something was missing from the REAL me. This is exactly the kind of vague clue that one would expect to receive from their Soul, Higher Self, etc. Hence, I attributed it to being a voice in my mind (see The Voices)
Yet, as I looked at my life, there was nothing to suggest that I was not being true to myself. Since the age of twenty, every step I have taken, every choice I made, every path I walked, was by my volition. I was ME! What was this urge? Why? How?
I went around in circles in my head for quite some time. This was an apparently unsolvable problem.
This is a typical example of a conflict between the “head” and the “mind”
This was until I had the opportunity to be alone. Truly alone. Not alone in the sense that someone will come by later. Not alone in the sense that everyone was on holiday. And not alone in the sense that I was lonely.
I was alone in the sense of “ALONE”. By choice!
It started as a sign of depression, following some misadventures. But it turned out to be a blessing.
Alone meant I didn’t have to watch how I moved, walked, looked at people, spoke, and how to think. I could fart and burp shamelessly. I could laugh or cry OR laugh AND cry inappropriately. I could dance without fear of ridicule. I could listen to the music I wanted, when I wanted, at the volume I wanted. I could eat what I wanted when I wanted. And so on …
It all started as an obvious abuse of freedom. Probably something I should have done in my teens, rather than my fifties. It did feel like regressing. It did feel child-like. Yet, unexplainedly and unashamedly I embraced it. And it soon turned into something deeper and more meaningful.
The first step was to find my Soul. I already mentioned how I already had quite a strong “conscience” guiding me. Over time I discarded most of my religious affiliations, but the conditioning was strong. Yet, my own conscience was usually different from the Church’s perspective. My conscience was largely based on an instinctive sense of what was right. Therefore, I thought I was in touch with my Soul.
As I was to find out, the Soul is much more than just a good / bad meter. The Soul is a compass. It can make the difference between fulfilment and emptiness.
Finding my Soul helped me understand the futility of the pursuit of my chosen career and showed me a path to a much deeper and meaningful life. This introduced me to Spirituality, Psychic “stuff”, Reiki, Meditation, sciences, and a new perspective on Life.
All these things were much more in line with my personality. They were not mainstream. They were not something that would have won the approval of my “family”. Yet they made me happy. Eventually, these newly found interests will help me find what is missing. Bit by bit.
