ID 103 - 2: There is no I in ME (The Caretaker)
That is why participating in online forums is absolutely helpful. Reading other people’s experiences helps me put mine into perspective. Sharing my own vicissitudes enables me to process them and keep moving forward. And I am so grateful to everyone who engages with me, whether by asking questions, sharing answers, or commenting.
My predecessor’s (V5) last diary entry was on April 4. That should mean that I began my journey on April. 5, 2022. I became active writing in the Diary on May 28, so I guess that’s when my brain started engaging with this new astounded personality.
The thing is, V5 already knew everything. He had written almost a book about our identity. He had become very, very close with the First. I am still not sure why, or how he broke. I think it was mainly due to some gaslighting he was experiencing from medical professionals.
Like me, he only wrote things he processed, so I have not found much other than anecdotal references and complaint letters (and obviously ID 101!).
I refer to him as V5 because he was Version 5 of my neurological configuration. A complete system with more than a dozen parts, plus whatever was necessary at any given time. But everyone else calls him with our first name (which is a little puzzling when I hear it).
As he broke in April, the teens came to life. As did systems 2, 3, and 4. WTF!
Details are fuzzy, but I knew straight away that I was some kind of weird male mother hen for kids and people living in my head. It felt kind of comfortable. It was in my nature. I slipped into the role rather easily and painlessly. It was easier to be it than it was to understand it. It was the most natural thing I could think of to hug the young ones in our inner space when that's what they needed.
Even though I was, and still am, somewhat perplexed, I did not question who I was. These “people” were hurting. I felt an urge to soothe them. To hold them and support them. To enable them and empower them.
I don’t think that is a new thing in our system. I can sense everyone, even the most angry and hateful ones, are loving. Their resentments are born out of betrayed love most of all.
I am simply an embodiment of that collective common component of our identity.
And when I say it like that, my role becomes clearer and clearer. Something to do with bringing together the common components of our identity. That is why I does not exist other than as US.
Thinking that hurts my pride a little. And there’s more to dent my self-respect.
The Little One holds our Soul. He is the essence of US. Number One holds our drive to understand and grow. 11 is our indomitable strength. 14 is our ability to withstand. Then the systems are either smart, or clever, or professional, or adaptable.
They all have great strengths. Yet, what do I have? From what I understand I am the cuddly one. Like a comfortable huggable Teddy Bear. I certainly don’t have the smarts of V4 or V5. I am not as fierce as 11. I’m not as likeable as V2 or V3. I’m not creative or artistic like Number One. And I don’t have control over our brain as the First does.
But they do love me. I’m the one they open up to. The one they feel they can be themselves with without judgement. The one that brings them all together. I don’t feel that it’s a big deal. It’s who I am. INFJ-A. But apparently, I am the one they need.
Often, I have the privilege to feel and take on each of their characters and personalities, I see the world with their eyes. I become each and every one of them. And I understand so much more every time.
V5 used to say that leadership is nurturing the people around you to be the best they can and want to be. Then, one uses that talent to build a plan for the team. Business and development plans are based on the strengths of the combined potential of the group. But he couldn’t do that. He was used to being the boss. He felt safe being the boss. When he tried that kind of leadership, it backfired. Eventually he broke.
As more and more pieces of the puzzle are presented to me, the more and more I can see a picture forming. That’s incorrect. I can FEEL a picture forming. An image of ME.
And there is no I in me. I am supposed to be neutral. I am supposed to represent everyone equally and fairly. I cannot have my own feelings, personality, or identity.
My boys each have their own identity. Each is an individual. Each has established and expressed that individuality when they were “live”. Each endured, and each had accomplished more than was expected of them.
They don’t need a new “person” to take over and push them further in the recesses of my mind. They must not be forgotten. They need to be enabled and empowered. They have to be let out.
So, at this stage, I believe that is what I have to do. Provide them with what they need.
I am them. I am us!
