The Haunted Self

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Diary - 2023, March 24

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No Name Everyone before me loved our first name. “The man” used it to hurt us and make us feel we were not even worthy of our name. “Pft … Angel … fallen angel more like … “ Or “You are not an angel, you’re the devil!” And “Those people who named you must have been out of their mind … angel … you make me laugh!” Without forgetting: “You have the devil in you …” and “You are possessed by demons!” And that was probably the reason why the boys loved their name. It was the only good thing that the biological parent gave him. Angels are a symbol of strength, and purity; they’re messengers of Love and Justice. So, every one of the boys loved that name. Especially 5. He felt it represented well his identity. And that it did. 5 was pretty much an Angel. Loving, but also not afraid of hate. Ying and Yang. Two sides of the same coin. Darkness and Light in one single package. He was very apt at managing this inner conflict. Good, within reason. Bad, within reason. His e...
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ID 101 - 4: The voices

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We all have, at least, a little voice in our heads. While I was entangled in a mainstream reality, I interpreted these simply as the typical good voice / bad voice and attributed it to what everybody calls a conscience. As my spiritual awareness developed, these became more nuanced. Once we are introduced to concepts such as that of a Higher Self, an Eternal Soul, Spirit Guides, Spirit Teachers, and Spirits and Ancestors, the ideas of voices in the head becomes worthy of much more attention. Voices are not necessarily “voices”. They can be images, visions, sounds, feelings, “sensing”, smells, or almost anything at all. It is easy to see how easy it would be to misinterpret anything that comes out of our head/mind … a dream is not necessarily a premonition. It could be an expression of what happened to us, of our brain processing certain information. Similarly, a voice, can be created by our imagination. And everything we feel, hear, see, and whatnot is interpreted by the limited unders...
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Quora - July 30, 2023: Therapist woes

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Why did our Therapist imply that we're relying too much on our alters(?) He said for us to try and wait 90 seconds to process our emotions and feelings without having an alter switch in to deal with it. We don't consciously do it, we don't have control over it, and we found it very offensive that he suggested it. Are we right to feel upset about it? I’m gonna answer as a fellow multiple, rather than being technical. Of course you are right to feel upset about what happened. Whatever emotions you feel they are yours, and they are absolutely valid! I am torn here on the answer to give you. I can see that there would be some usefulness in doing what your therapist suggests, however, I wonder what the motivation and final goal are. The way I see it, obviously as you say we don’t have control over it. But also, there is a reason why someone switches to handle the emotion. That could be because you are not ready, or because you need to be eased into it. Or simply you or your alte...
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Quora - July 6, 2023: Appreciating my selves

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We have been going through a period of intense instability, and that is why we want to validate the efforts of some of our members. Memories have been flooding in for some of our youngest. We found quite a few “new” littles and middles, and have been trying to keep a semblance of normality while dealing with the internal turmoil. Everybody has been soldiering on, so to speak, despite the difficulties, and that alone is a reason to be proud of each and everyone. One of our members, however, had more difficulties than the others. They are a teen, and they are one of our major trauma holders. They come in many versions from a few months old to around 15 year old. Most the the new littles we found were young “copies” of them, all with just fragments of memories. This was understandably difficult. Those memories were … very painful on many levels … not just the factual memories, but the associated kinesthetic and emotional reminders were making denial of those events impossible. Yet, they s...
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ID 101 - 9: Mulling it over

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The final decision has been made. I am a crazy person. I have "split personality". But that is such a cool thing. That epitomises survival. Because not only I created multiple personalities, I am also aware of it. And they are going to be together again!!! Ok, every now and then I have to remind myself that it’s ok to be me. I shouldn’t be ashamed of my past. The problem is that I am. Shame figured very prominently throughout my childhood and youth. It was one of many tools in the hands of my “family”. The looks on people faces when I was being publicly and mercilessly castigated for the sin of being alive were hurtful. And that is the reason why I cannot go back to Italy or deal with people who knew me then. So, this process I am going through is painful. It’s not just the memory. It’s the living through it again. It’s the emotions that it stirs in him, as well as me. But so, now that the analysis is complete, is just a matter of recounting how our re-union progresses.   Nov...
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