Diary - 2023, March 19

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Flashbacks

Since the last support group meeting, we have been somewhat unsettled.

The littles have been troubled by memories of feelings. Being locked away. Being hated. The unknown. Terror. Confusion. Darkness.

There have been memories of sensations too. Being thrown. Being squashed. Difficulty breathing. Not being allowed to move. Fainting. Looking around confused, not knowing what had happened.

A room. A chair. A child slowing crouching more and more as the hours go by until he falls to the ground. He opens his eyes, confused, uncertain why he is lying on the mat. Dry saliva streaking through the side of his face. How long had he been there?

His pain is unknown to world. His tears make no sound.

His deep desolate sighs are as silent as the sound of desperation.

In space.

Because everybody knows that in space no one can hear you scream!

The littles have been remembering all of this. One flashback after another. Each the same. In that room. Alone. Unable to move. Each different. Each time the memories are stronger, clearer, more intense.

It adds up. Indeed. Every time that little boy hurt a little more than the time before. Every day. Every week. Every month. Every year. After year. After year. After year.

How can we soothe them? How can we help them overcome? We feel their grief for their lost childhoods and innocence.

Yet, we feel more out of empathy than we know the feelings. We are enraged that children would be made to go through those experiences. We are anguished at “feeling” their pain because deep inside we can feel it. But we don’t really know what their feelings are. We can only empathise. We can try and put ourselves in their shoes.

Unless we allow ourselves to fully share their experience.

Which then adds additional layers to the emotional complexity that needs to be processed.

I know System 5 (our ANP a couple of years ago) used to wish he could be logical all the time. Because dealing with logic is easy. Logic is black and white.

When we consider emotions, everything becomes so much more complicated. A whole range of greys appear between those once clear black and white definitive truths.

And memories of very young children are shaped and limited by their understanding of a situation. And quite often there is no context. There is no “big picture”. Things just happened. Incomprehensible things. Unexplainable.

Feelings. Sensations. Sounds. Maybe a face.

But never enough clues to gain a situational insight.

 

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