Diary - 2023, April 10

Has anyone else here gone through coercive control/ coercive persuasion abuse? We feel as though we have no true self anymore like just a hollow shell and no true knowledge of who we really were if we ever were whole at all

I totally relate. We have been trying to answer this for a few days and are finding it quite difficult and very triggering. But, despite the difficulties we wanted to answer this question. We believe that if we can help others manage their struggles by sharing ours, then our own were useful and worthwhile.

Who am I (singular self)

With regards to your question, we have different perspectives depending on who you ask. We will have to be a little philosophical in the answer we give.

1. Littles and middles get flashbacks. Identity is not a concern, I guess they’re too young for that, but memories are always extremely challenging. They took the brunt of the coercion and manipulation. ABA was only a small apparent fraction of the reality that was happening behind closed doors, but a descriptive one nonetheless. They can’t understand it, and the rest of us don’t know how to explain it to them. And that’s because it doesn’t make sense
2. Teens were rebels. Their refusal to comply shaped their sense of identity, and all repercussions for their behaviour were considered a worthy price for ”asserting” themselves. They consider surviving on the streets more traumatic than anything else.
3. Adults have impostor syndrome. They believe their existence was futile, that they never had a chance to be themselves. They wonder who they could have been and how they could have expressed their identities if our younger selves had not had those specific experiences. Degrees, career, marriages, friendships, plans, dreams, and aspirations …
4. Host feels like an empty shell. They feel nothing. Imagine those empty snails shells that you can find abandoned in gardens … you know they used to house a soul … but now they’re empty.

I know we wrote a post a while back exactly about this, here it is and I hope it gives you some added perspective.

Multiplicity

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Mar 1

Do you know the term Host Shell? The host of a multi-layered system who has no identity or personality. Just a shell containing everyone else. We only recently became aware of this term. We find it grammatically correct, but it is very triggering. We find it disrespectful and irreverent. Our "host shell" finds it relatable, but when he thinks about his own self he's inconsolable. Do you have one? How do you feel about the term and about your host? How does your host feel about being a "shell"? I will add my own answer, and I would like to hear how others experience it. Thank you.

I guess in order to understand my answer to this question, one needs to understand how my system works. There are 3 layers of “me” 1. The system layer. This is the easy one. Everyone is part of “me”, or as I call it, ME. 2. The “now” layer. This is the combination of everyone who takes part in the “now”. I guess one term would be fronting, but it’s a little more complicated than that if we also take into consideration passive influences. Effectively, everyone that is contributing to the “now” makes up this version of “me”. 3. The identity layer, which is in itself multilayered: a. The identity itself, for example the one I call Lil’ One, which is a 10 year old child b. The identity’s parts, so for Lil’ One we have Todd the toddler version of Lil’ One, Bob the 3 year old, and Will, the 9 year old c. The parts’ fragments, each containing small pieces of history Usually, when I say “I” I mean whoever is in the “now”, layer 2. This can be rather busy and people come and go according to what we are doing and whether they want to be part of it or not. So, our body, or “Host Shell” is Herbie (yeah, like the lovely self-conscious VW beetle!). He is naturally happy. He loves changing and morphing into whoever is in the now space. Sometimes, when there is a clear person fronting, he gets to know them intimately. He becomes them. And he enjoys switching between different identities, parts, and taking on the fragments. I guess in many respects he is the one who knows everyone the most: how they feel, how they see the world, how they think. And everyone adores him. Sometimes, however, there is nobody in the “now”. He is alone. And that is when he notices that he is nothing without the boys. He has no reason to be other than wait for someone to front. Sure, he can cook, clean, do the basic chores of everyday life. But he doesn’t feel like a person. He doesn’t have an identity. He doesn’t have a real sense of self. Without the others, he is just a shell. And that is why he relates to the term “shell host”. And there is a marked difference. All of the boys have a clear sense of identity. They know who they are. It is unquestionable. But Herbie doesn’t. He feels that he is not real. He does not exists unless we are there with him. Frankly, that is a feeling we don’t know how to help him with. Each of the boys have their triggers and sadness, and we know how to manage those. We know how soothe them. It’s basic psychology. It’s managing trauma. But how do you soothe someone who think he is not real? In his mind he is not even a ghost. In fact he is terrified that when we die, he will be the only one who will not continue the journey. Our souls will move on, while he will actually die and will cease to exist. To be honest, that thought strikes terror into all of us. We love Herbie more than words can express. We love him as much as we love everyone else in our system. We can’t imagine life without him. Even a spiritual body-less one. I guess that is a consequence of believing that life does not end with death. If we didn’t believe in the afterlife probably this issue would be moot. We try not to leave him alone. We tell him how important he is to us. We try and show him how much we value him. But we don’t have answers. We share his fears. But so, we loathe the term “host shell”. Layer one that includes everyone is incomplete without him. And he does not believe he belongs there. So, that is why I was asking the question. I would like to understand how others experience it. Hopefully find some answers, some ideas that can resonate with him, and that reassure him. Thank you all for sharing your experiences.

This didn’t use to be a concern until recently, probably because our host was not as self-aware as he is now. But it is now an issue above the surface which we have been able to discuss both internally, and also with other systems.

I am not sure how appropriate it is to out other systems, even if just for attribution, so I won’t make any names. But we were lucky enough to talk this through with another system who is much more experienced and wise than we are. They explained they have a number of these shells that function as host and their approach was to consider their hosts as hubs, rather than shells. That means that instead of being passive recipients of life events, they are enablers and fully participate in the system.

That was a turning point for us. Not because it was a complete final solutions, with multiplicity there’s no complete solution in our minds. But it permitted us to remove some of the angst that Herbie was feeling. This in turn enabled him to participate more fully in internal communication and to look into solutions.

Who am I (what is self)

One thing I learnt is that while we cannot change the past, we can shape the future. So with this fresh knowledge our focus shifted from the “victim” perspective to the “survivor” attitude. And this is how we agreed we can define “self”:

1. Identity is a reflection of experiences, lessons learnt, knowledge, and wisdom. It changes and fluctuates throughout life in response to life events. It is fluid. That means that no matter what our sense of self was yesterday, it can be different today, tomorrow, and it will change over a few times throughout life.
2. Identity for us is multilayered:Each self/alter/system/whatnot has their own individual sense of self. Each is real and valid (e.g. 6 year old, 10 year old, cook, employee, whatever is in the system).
1. We have a collective identity that represent everyone in the system, so including 6 yo, 10 yo, cook, employee, and whoever is in the system
2. We have a “now” identity which is made up of everyone who is fronting or influencing. So, when we watch an animated film, for example, this is made up by all the littles that are fronting or reacting.
3. The past is past, but the future is being woven now (see 1 above).

Who am I (building a new “I”)

So this is how we decided to handle it:

1. Young ones: they’re easy. As long as we can support them through their flashbacks and help them heal, some basic nurturing should be enough to empower them to develop a strong and apt sense of self;
2. Teens: they don’t need to run, fight, or assert themselves anymore. Like all teens they should “experiment” with their sense of identity, find themselves, so to speak. Again nurturing should be all that is needed. Self-love!
3. Adults: we are super proud of them. They got almost everything wrong, but that’s because of identity theft, in a manner of speaking. So, pause and think. Main question is “what would you like to do?” We have begun exploring possibilities of personal expressions and are half-way through a change of career.
4. Host: everybody loves Herbie. We try not to leave him alone so that he won’t feel the emptiness. That’s one of the advantages of co-fronting and co-consciousness. Nobody is ever alone. But he has gained a lot of confidence in understanding how his roles fit seamlessly in the system and how essential he is to our collective identity. There would not be an “us” without him.

Conclusion

So, after all of this, have we resolved our identity crisis? Hell no. Everything is so f@cked up. And f@cked up is not a judgment, it is a fact.

We don’t know who we are. We don’t have an identity. Self can be an empty word, just like a shell. We don’t even have a name.

Some days we feel strong. We are hopeful. We feel we are a unit. We feel that even if we don’t have a sense of self, we are real, we exist, and so does everyone in our system.
Others, we are hopeless. There are times when we believe that abortion would have been a better option than the life we lived.

All we can do is to try and balance it out. Take the rough with the smooth, so to speak. Suck the marrow out of life. A good day today can make up for a terrible yesterday.
We have a plan. We love ourselves and each other. We don’t have “a” self. We have several. We are one and we are many at the same time.

Nobody will ever be able to claim that we didn’t fight our corner or that we didn’t do our best to be our best.

Sometimes that is all we can do, and that can be enough.

I know it’s hard, but you can do it. Things can get better. You are not alone. I wish you all the best on your healing journey and look forward to reading more from you 💜