Diary - 2023, April 2
The Dark Boys
Who am I now?
I am not sure who I am at the moment. I did switch earlier, and probably a few times in-between.
I am trying to keep track of my switches and fronting using Simply Plural (https://app.apparyllis.com/), but a lot of the times I just don’t know other than there are a lot of influences. Other times it is easy.
So, now I feel like the image below. I know that, because of what I am writing and how I am thinking Nerdy is the dominant influence at the moment. Which would explain why I am not being especially emotional despite having the Dark boys cycling, and notwithstanding the uncertainty of the “I don’t know” element in the fronting. Nerdy guy, whichever version of him, is unemotional. Facts are facts.
Introducing my Dark Boys
And exactly because I can observe my Dark ones without being taken in excessively by their state of being, this seems a great opportunity to hazard an analysis to see if it can help me understand them, and therefore understanding ME as a system.
We haven’t been able to help them chose proper names yet. Currently, we try and be tactful and name them according to what we understand they do. Like everyone else, they will be able to change their name anytime they want.
I must specify that I do not consider those young selves that at some point engaged in “illegal” activities as being dark, so they are not included here. They were survivors. If sex or stealing, or whatever else can help provide a warm meal, maybe a bed for the night, and even getting high and forgetting everything, that is not dark. I’m sure a war hero behind enemy lines would do the same! And I don’t mean any disrespect to vets. The horrors of this war might not be the same as those who experienced combats, but it is a war nonetheless; a war we were never trained for and that we never signed up for either.
So far, we have acknowledged these dark members of our family:
- The Twins,
- The Pessimist,
- Sad Boy,
- Gollum,
- Dark, and
- IJ,
They all seem to have formed before the age of 12 and were expressed differently at various phases of our lives. At every stage, each of them could always take over control of life but were operating from a sort of mid-front, unseen until they could no longer be repressed.
Unfortunately, they were only managed by being shut away. Buried deeper and deeper in our minds. They were never validated. Never accepted. Those thoughts, those feelings, were either forbidden, or forced. Our brain packed them up as individual identities to hide away not only the feelings, but also the thought processes and state of being associated with them.
The Twins
We believe they were our first Dark Personalities. They were formed around 5-6 year old.
They wanted to die. One of them wanted to die, the other would plan how to achieve it. They are a lovely pair of little HSPs (Highly Sensitive Persons).
They feel very much like the Masked Twins From Miss Peregrine Home for Peculiar Children
They are, however, not inseparable. They can have very powerful influences on whoever is fronting even on their own. When they are together, though, their effect is total and absolute.
The Longing boy
He always longed to die. The only purpose of life is death.
He is better now, and only feels like that when we are having some problems. The others help him too. I don't know whether he ever smiles.
The planning boy
He is the one who plans suicide. He has the ideas (ideations) and everywhere he goes he looks for opportunities to die.
He is better now, and only begins planning when things are rather bad (or when he's bored!). The others try to cheer him up too.
The Pessimist
I don’t know exactly how he came to be. It feels that him, the Twins and Sad Boy developed roughly at the same time.
The master of intrusive thoughts can turn any dream into a nightmare, any hope into hopelessness, and any wish into imminent disaster.
I guess that is aligned to the theory that if you have low expectations, you will not be (very) disappointed. If you expect disaster, just getting away barely alive may seem a success.
In many ways, when reflecting on the maxim hope for the best, expect the worst our pessimist definitely expects the worst.
Sad Boy
I don't know if there's just one or more than one, he is a feeling. One of sadness, desolation, resignation. He has no hope, no dreams, and no future. He just waits for death. The sound of silent tears streaming down his cheeks and hitting the floor echo his anguish. The Dark Twins are his best friends. They often sit together by the campfire in our inner world for hours and days, in a sullying soundlessness. One wishing death, another planning it, and another one waiting for it.
We love him very much. Sometimes he comes out and cries until all the tears have run dry. Then he simply allows me to hold him in our inner space. He finds it comforting.
IJ
We don't know much about him. I think he's around 8-9. He used to sound a lot like "father".
I think there have been different versions of him throughout the different stages of our personal growth. Started as an introject, but then developed as a proper instrument of self-loathing.
We believe he can trigger the Dark Twins and Sad Boy, and possibly even Gollum.
On a positive side, we also believe that a part in System 5 was based on a functional version of IJ.
He has been much better at avoiding being hateful and denigrating the system, but he is quite distant. We hope he'll get closer soon.
Gollum
He's not a fictive, he just sees himself as being like Gollum. And to be honest, he was as protective and possessive of the boys as Gollum was of the ring.
We love him completely. The teens that he used to protect call him "the Hulk", but he used to call himself "Punchbag". We are still trying to find him a good name, like Deadpool! but while he's not certain, we are calling him 11 as the age he was when he first appeared.
He is the one that handled rage and anger. He's the one who stood up to bullies. Sure, he used to get beaten up a lot (hence the "Punchbag" idea) and that's what makes him even more awesome.
Even now, he is the one that gives us the anger we need to stand up for ourselves.
Iena/Dark
Dark embodies all that is forbidden. Treating people badly, a little sadism, enjoying other people's suffering. Ideations of revenge.
We think he was originally Iena, our self who was conscripted.
Iena (hyena)
We know of him but have not met him yet. I think he was the guy who was active when we were conscripted. I think he was kind of mean, but not really. He was just mean compared to the rest of us. But I don't think he was bad when compared to "bad" people.
Dark
Later he developed as a hidden, dark part of us. Everyone tried to suffocate him and deny him. There was an expectation that it was wrong of us to have such thoughts and feelings.
5 was the first who acknowledged and validated Dark. They had a symbiotic relationship that worked well. 5 always believed that the only way not to become the darkness was to embrace our dark side!
Now I am not sure what is happening. He is staying in the background. He is trying not to let the darkness pervade.
Conclusion
I just want to pay tribute to my Dark Ones.
I want to say thank you. Thank you for holding on to such terrible experiences, and feelings. Thank you for taking on the darkness.
And I want to say sorry. Sorry for hiding from you, for gaslighting you, for not accepting you, and even denying your existence.
You are real I love you. Now, together, we can bring you some light and make your darkness less hurtful!
Thanks to anyone who reads it. Each of you is validating my Dark Boys, and we are grateful! 💜
