ID 103 - 5: Neurodivergence

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Neurodivergence



When I look back at my past, I can see how easy it can be to say that my life story has been following a cycle of abuse that was set in motion before I was even born, and that kept me going around in circles from one relationship to the next.

However, that would be oversimplifying and overgeneralizing a long-standing situation with not easily discernible patterns.

Undoubtedly my family were abusive, and unquestionably my experiences did contribute to developing a pattern of abuse that followed me through my life. However, why did I never find any allies? What didn’t anyone love me the way I loved them? Why was I not able to build a support network around me in the way others do? And why am I always being exploited?

Throughout my life, it would appear I went through at least half a dozen personalities, with a plethora of sub-types. Certainly, I cannot be faulted for my efforts to fit in. My adaptability, flexibility, and willingness to be a productive member of society have gone far beyond the call of duty.

Yet, nobody ever showed me any solidarity, approval, empathy. The most I received was the occasional look of pity. Tolerance at best. Never acceptance.

Family. Friends. Schoolmates. Teachers. Neighbours. Priests. Nuns. And later, colleagues, peers, partners, and more friends.

No matter how many “caring” people I surrounded myself with, I was always alone. Used at first, then abandoned when I outlived my usefulness or had some expectations of my own.

There seems to be some kind of “it” that I am not “getting”.

 

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