Quora - May 13, 2023: What if we forgot all our trauma?
This is a tricky one for us. There is an ambivalence, a conflict of interests, so to speak. Let me explain.
Sometimes I agree with the experts, some others I vehemently don’t … however DDs come on such a high spectrum that I do not discount anything. Likely, everything is possible and valid.
Also, my answer revolves around my current knowledge. I might change my mind on some details as I become more knowledgeable. But so, let’s get down to it.
Memories are what gives us and hold together our identity. In fact, each memory holds a slice of our identity. A memory is not simply an anecdotal reference. It contains important information relating a person state of mind, way of thinking, feeling, perspective, and much more.
And that is why the most basic dissociative defence is to break down the memories into harmless chunks (dissociative amnesia).
I think this is what is meant when people talk about a “fragments”. Certainly that is the case for me. In fact, before the age of 3, and possibly up to the age of 5, everything is fragmented.
After the age of 5 it seems that these fragments cluster around common elements, such as emotions, physical sensations, environmental factors, etc. And, if I understand my own development, this is when personalities begin to form. As more and more fragments with similar properties begin to consolidate, the personalities become established.
So, suppressing the memories, also hides parts of our overall identity, These parts sometimes have their own identity. So, for example, the memories of being bullied will also contain the personality traits of the child/person who was being bullied. Those personality traits form what would be normally considered a “sub-personality” trait for singlets, but become a full-blown identity when it happens during the formative years.
My experience seems to be consistent with the theory of structural dissociation and with the stuff I’ve been researching
So, going back to my own experience of forgetting memories. I found that overall when I didn’t know about my past, I was still suffering from bouts of depression and from strange inexplicable mood fluctuation. I just didn’t know why.
And with hindsight, that makes perfect sense. There were pieces of me that were missing. Hidden from reality. I was incomplete. Not only that, I didn’t know. There was no explanation for how I was feeling other than some weird mental illness with some mean and defamatory name.
Wind forward a few years. I still don’t have lots of my memories, but I have regained enough to have found those pieces of me that were buried alive. At least some of them.
Do I feel less depressed? Less anxious? Less triggered? More “regulated”? Hell NO! But I know what is wrong. I know the pain is not because I am crazy, but because someone else caused it. I have learnt about parts of me that I didn’t know of. I have learnt to value and appreciate myself more. I can now heal. It might take a while, but that’s ok.
There’s many of us, each with different experiences. Some more harrowing than others. We help and support each other. We give each other love and acceptance.
We are walking the fine line between not remembering and not forgetting. Treading on the bleeding edge of sanity!
